Symptoms VI ~ Cold

I was told once by an Official Head Person that depression is the most physical of the mental illnesses. I'm interested in the variety of physical sensations that must, I suppose, be created by the various chemical signals emanating from my brain.

Anxiety can give one an amazing array of physical symptoms. In my case, depression and anxiety are more or less indistinguishable. I look in the mirror and see the new streaks of white hair and am flooded with fear: Running out of time. Too late to fix anything. It's already over.

The thrill of terror is quite real and it creates a strange kind of moral paralysis. I find it very difficult to function in even the simplest way in the grip of it.

But the feeling I have most of the time, at various levels of severity, is of cold. I have lain awake at night, with the heater up as high as it will go, curled around a hot water bottle and with the cat under the covers, and I am cold. Cold from the inside out. I have wondered if this is real or entirely the product of my brain. It is winter, after all. But the cold I feel certainly comes from a region between my ribs in the front. Adrenaline. My heart races and I can't warm up. I shiver uncontrollably at night, even when there is no physical sensation of cold from the air. I have bought more blankets, worn socks and cardies to bed.

I'm cold.