I had forgotten in the last ten years of fighting it, how good it felt to give in.
The sheer relief of just not being that interested in the world that not eating gives one. The feeling of detachment and liberty. It isn't my problem. I'm not participating in any of this.
I have no part in life and life has no claims on me.
Surprised too how easy it has been to go back to it. How much of the moment to moment mental discipline is still there, like the skill of driving.
And how much of it is really a matter of conscious choice. It is a pure exercise of the will, to overcome temptation each and every time. To be in control, to regulate minutely how much one eats, is really a thrill. To say, "No. Not now. Not for another six hours." or "No more today."
It's early days yet, but I feel liberated. Nothing much matters.
It's not euphoria, just relief. And no depression. None. It's over as long as I can maintain this physical detachment.
Where to next?
Doesn't seem to matter much, actually.
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